


AoS - fic

by Liviania



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Aubrey-Maturin Series - Patrick O'Brian, Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (2003)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, BEST AUTHOR EVER, Deliberately Bad Fanfic, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, Other, Snowshoes, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-19
Updated: 2014-09-19
Packaged: 2018-02-17 23:08:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2326469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liviania/pseuds/Liviania
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a roaring tale of action and adventure on the high seas, brought to life as it could be only by me (and my artist).  Never has a fanfic more accurately capture the pathos of <i>Moby Dick</i>, the postmodern ennui of Kurt Vonnegut, and the eternal romance of man and machine of Michael Bay's Transformers.</p>
<p>Be warned.  Once you read my fic, you will never need to read another story with the following elements again, because no other author can do them the same justice:<br/>Boats<br/>Gay men<br/>Cars<br/>Vampires<br/>Lesbians who sleep with men<br/>Tentacles<br/>Snowshoes<br/>Toothpaste</p>
            </blockquote>





	AoS - fic

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [AoS](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2314760) by [bb-sock (saisei)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/saisei/pseuds/bb-sock). 
  * Inspired by [AoS](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2314760) by [bb-sock (saisei)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/saisei/pseuds/bb-sock). 



> Artist, I must admit, you are worthy of being paired with me because it seems like you get an inkling of an idea every now and then. Your little sketch was the perfect spark needed for my staggering genius. Unfortunately, once someone reads my fic they have no need to view your art, because my fic says it all.

"Stephen," Jack said, gazing broodingly over the roiling turquoise sea of amber waves gently bearing the HMS Surprise farther and farther from the land within which his heart rested. "Stephen, I have realized I am gay. My womanizing has been a front, a foul veil that has kept me separated from that which I truly want."

"You."

Stephen breathed deep. He smelled the salty air of his mistress the sea, breathed it deep into his lungs where it burst through the pink sacs that kept him upright despite this staggering news. "Jack, Diana is a bitch."

"We both knew that, surely."

"But now it is a dealbreaker, because you have confessed your love for me, you dear sweet uke." He opened his arms, his gracefully long fingers unfurling like a mast. "I shall plow you the way you plow this boat through the ocean."

Just then, there was a loud thump. An eldritch thump, like that of a sea witch. A man stood on the deck, unfurling his long red tentacle, which stood in place of his left arm. It was a tentacle of Communism, and already it was affecting the Surprise and its masters and commanders. They had a desire to revolt against the Queen, to show her what the underclass could do! Then, they would kill the valedictorians in Ohio.

But then, a red car alighted on deck. Jack had never seen such a car, all smooth lines and cherry red exterior and [look up what color the interior is] interior. "My, what a car!" he exclaimed. "We shall distribute it to the People!"

"No!" said the man who climbed out. "Lola is in an exclusive relationship with me and my darling archer, Clint. Although he keeps abandoning us for air ducts."

"What is an air duct?" Stephen asked.

"Never mind," said Melinda May, who had already beaten Bucky (the man with the tentacle arm) up. "We have to return Tentacle Arm here to his boyfriend, who has been crying himself to sleep ever since he lost him." She sighed. Steve was such a fragile soul, broken by his loneliness and his time-traveling Communist seme.

Just then, Jemma Simmons kissed Bucky's unconscious body. "Since I am a lesbian, I find straight men hugely sexy," she sighed. "Plus, that tentacle."

"You have a point," said Skye, her girlfriend. "I'll have to hook up with Capsicle and Tentacle when we get home. It's only fair since you're already cheating on me."

"You're right. You are the best girlfriend," Jemma said, gazing deep into Skye's emerald orbs. Her girlfriend was such a mystery, and her cabochon eyes reflected the depth of how mysterious she was.

"Well, we'll be going now!" said May with a jaunty wave. "Lovely to meet you nice young men!"

They all hopped in the car and flew away, leaving behind nothing but a snowshoe, which they carried in bulk, because you often need snowshoes to fight the Winter Soldier.

Jack and Stephen stared after them. All that talk of tentacles had stirred them up into a lustful frenzy, and not even thoughts of the ocean, ever dangerously swelling, could quench it.

Stephen put his tumescence deep into Jack's yearning ache, filling what both men had wanted so long. But with neither of them paying attention, they crashed into an iceberg and everyone drowned.

When the agents on the bus learned of what happened to their new friend, they sent Bucky to assassinate the iceberg. He did it, although it woke up his PTSD. Fortunately, Sam was on had to console him. Sam was a great therapist.

"There lies Stephen and Jack," sighed Coulson. "Too bad they weren't vampires like us."

"Too bad," agreed the girls. (Grant and Fitz were dead. They weren't vampires either.)

**Author's Note:**

> Don't worry, my adoring fans! I promise that the sequel is coming. I know, I left it with such a surprising revelation that you can't stand to wait, but you must!
> 
> I'm sorry I made it so sad, but something about my artist's work just made me think "sad."


End file.
